And so the debate about the chastity lifestyle continues to unfold (which is an unending source of surprise and delight for me. I never imagined the Male Chastity Blog would take off in quite the way it has).
Somewhat tangentially, or probably more accurately parallel to the myth of forced and non-consensual male chastity is the discussion on what do you do if it really isn’t floating your boat and tickling your fancy.
One commentator has implied his chastity is “enforced” and he has no choice, but, without wanting to open that can of worms again in this post, we all know that’s just a silly fantasy and he really needs to grow a spine or grow up.
But his comments and the ensuing replies do open up another interesting question. What do you do if one of you really, really really cannot cope with the chastity lifestyle? I did approach this subject in another post, Does Male Chastity Ever End? but I want to look at it slightly differently right now.
Because the pleasure and satisfaction you get from the game is undoubtedly on a continuum and ideally you’d both be at the same point on it, where his desire for chastity is perfectly matched by her desire to see him squirming.
Yet the self-selecting and fanciful nature of most of the forums tend to present it as a very black and white issue: it’s almost always presented as a man who can’t stand it and a woman who is some implacable Hell-Bitch. I find this all very unlikely.
But, no matter. Let the children play their games of make-believe — we adults have got better things to talk about, I suspect.
To me, and to John, and to many of the commentators on this blog as well as the dozens of people who’ve messaged me privately with their kind words of support and encouragement, the chastity lifestyle is something you do for pleasure, to improve your relationship and spice up your sex life.
And because pleasure is a two-way street, it really doesn’t make any sense for one partner to be uncaring and dismissive if the other one really isn’t enjoying what’s going on.
If your partner really is like that, then I can’t help but wonder why you stay with him or her, never mind play a sex-game or live a chastity lifestyle when you simply aren’t enjoying it. This is why I call “bullshit” on so much of what people write on this subject.
My real-life experience is John squirms and moans and begs and pleads for me to let him orgasm… and right in the moment, he means it. He really doesn’t want me to stop and leave him aching for release. He wants to feel that glorious orgiastic pulse and the uncontrollable shuddering. And in the beginning, I’d give in and let him have it.
But afterwards he always told me he wished I was stricter would stick to my guns. As I’ve said before: he wanted to orgasm; but he craved denial.
Yet if he told me, “Sarah, this is too long… I really do need to orgasm because it’s getting me down and really can’t shake it off” there is no question I’d give him what he would, in my estimation, need. There’s no desire in me to have an unhappy, miserable husband all for the sake of some dogmatic ideology about what the chastity lifestyle “should” be like.
Now, your partner has the perfect right to self-determination and you are responsible for your own feelings. He or she doesn’t “make” you unhappy. However you, too, are perfectly entitled to make your own choices based on how he or she is behaving. And this is exactly how it should be.
To put it bluntly, if your partner really doesn’t care about whether you’re happy or not and persists in a course of action and behaviours which leave you feeling unhappy and miserable and he or she continues to do this even though you’ve made your feelings plain, then get yourself a new partner because the one you have is rotten to the core.
To me the chastity lifestyle is about being loving and nurturing and growing together as a couple. I think the other way is tantamount to abuse.
Yes, you can put up with it if you want to but it’s your choice. And if you do put up with it, it is because you want to. And that’s fine by me. It’s your life – live it how you want to.
But just suck it up and stop whining, because you’re just making yourself look pathetic.
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{ 2 comments }
I agree with 98% of what you’ve written, but this remark “then get yourself a new partner because the one you have is rotten to the core” seems a bit much.
There are lots of people in the D/s scene who don’t necessarily know how to process or express feelings with a lot of experience. And before we dismiss someone as rotten to the core, I would hope that some outside help, like a therapist, might be a good option.
And if that doesn’t work, we behead them in the town square.
I’m all for beheading
.
My point is really aimed at people whose partner really doesn’t care if they’re miserable or not and won’t listen to reason — just the kind of person who wouldn’t even go to therapy because they’d say they thought it was unnecessary because they were perfectly happy.
I’ve come across a few people like that in my time, both men and women. In fact John’s ex’s sister was (and probably still is) like that.
It comes to a point when you’re on a hiding to nothing and it’s well, “shit or bust” as my granddad used to say.
Sarah.