For a responsible keyholder chastity is neither a licence for bad behaviour (well, not for bad bad behaviour… wicked bad behaviour is a given), nor an excuse for riding roughshod over the wants, needs and desires of your man.
A.G. asked me the other day:
“You talk of doing things to John, just because you can, and say how horny it makes you. (Remember, power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.) What’s to prevent you from pushing the bounds gradually, developing a situation like the frog in the pot being heated gradually until he’s boiled? This is a key issue for anyone considering giving up control, possibly getting into something that can’t be reversed, can become very destructive.”
This is all true and he makes some very good points.
One answer to this is my control of John doesn’t extend beyond his orgasm denial. I am not his “mistress” and since my role in this context is limited to being a keyholder chastity is strictly confined to the bedroom.
As I point out in the free Guide and Newsletter, if push comes to shove, ours is definitely a male-led relationship. This isn’t something we’ve had to think about too much, because it’s just the way it is and always has been. It’s the way it suits us.
Of course this is something couples need to consider – hence why I talk about ground rules, probably to the point of monotony for some.
A chastity contract can form part of the ground rules and perhaps should do for some couples new to the lifestyle or, indeed, anyone who finds it hard to think critically and dispassionately.
A second answer for us in our particular case it’s also that we’re both level-headed and communicate regularly outside of the context of chastity.
Because I’m his keyholder chastity is important, but it’s not the sum-total of our relationship as it might be if we were into female domination. It’s not like he’s always under my thumb, so to speak.
Having said all that, I think it’s important in all relationships everyone knows what the boundaries are and where they lie. There’s a common misconception that in telling someone “I won’t tolerate X” is the same as saying “You mustn’t DO X”.
What it’s saying, and I’m talking about adult relationships here, is “I don’t have relationships with people who do X”. And everyone has the right to say that. For the belt-wearer and the keyholder chastity should really be no different.
As an example from our business, John is very strict with our clients. He doesn’t take incoming phone calls except by arrangement – and if they’ve agreed to talk at 10:00, then that’s when they talk, unless they’ve agreed to change the time beforehand. If they call late, or are not there when John calls, he reschedules the call. No exceptions.
I can imagine some of you will think that’s bad business practice, but it works very well. John is a pro. and has a stellar reputation. It serves him and the business very well, and has done for many years.
Now, clients are aware of this from the outset. And again, back in the context of male chastity for the belt-wearer and the keyholder chastity should really be no different: you need to have an objective framework of rules either of you can call on to arbitrate your behaviour.
This is especially important if you find yourself becoming carried away with the emotion of it all. I can think of few things sadder than a man crying because his wife is planning to cuckold him and he feels he can’t back out – if they were grown up and had any sense he’d be able to call “time out” to discuss things like this at any time.
I agree there can be something of a slippery slope and relationships can slide into all sorts of horrors without anyone being aware of what’s happening until some real damage has been done. I can see if you’re locked by a careless, thoughtless and unheeding keyholder chastity could become miserable.
All the more reason, then, to have an admittedly uncomfortable discussion right at the beginning.
And there are some wise words from Jefferson to help us here, I think: “The price of freedom is eternal vigilance“.
Never have truer words been spoken.