Some interesting comments and messages on the myth of enforced male chastity, and, indeed support for my writing the Guide.
Thank you all, especially those who have encouraged me to write the Guide. I’ll get it done eventually. Probably a couple of months, perhaps a little longer.
But in this post I’d like to bring up a point someone asked me in a private message.
She asked, “In your opinion how many couples as a percentage do you think dabble in this delightful sex play. And as you posted here how many more do you think play with male denial?”
Truth is… I don’t have a clue. I don’t see how anyone could easily find out, either, short of conducting a random survey (it’s no good asking here or in the forums because the audience is obviously self-selecting for this particular kink).
I think male chastity per se is probably quite rare and confined to groups, forums, munches and blogs such as this. Gawd alone knows how the “word” spread before the Internet was invented. My mind boggles.
But I think the practice is probably more widespread than we give credit for, since I don’t see how even mild teasing, when a woman holds her man on the edge of orgasm when they’re making love, is anything other than mild chastity play.
And I suspect every woman who’s not a complete prude, extremely sexually inhibited, or some mind of religious kook, has done this at some point in her life (and don’t men just love it?).
The question is, how wide is that gulf between mild, spontaneous teasing… and the formal and often very ritualistic game of male chastity as we know and understand it?
I’ve asked John about this, and he says his fantasy is something he’s had for a long time – that a woman would control his orgasms, not let him come when they make love and so on. But he didn’t give it a name or a label until he came across a forum or website mentioning it just two or three years ago.
Until then it was a nameless kink or fantasy he harboured.
And although I obviously knew he liked to be edged and teased more than most, until he broached the whole subject to me, along with the means of how to make the fantasy as real as possible, I had zero clue such things as male chastity and chastity belts and devices even existed.
So… back to the original question: how common is it?
Not very is my guess (and it really is a guess). We do know there are several people who seem to make a living out of hand-crafted made-to-measure chastity belts, and there are dozens if not hundreds of retailers of the CB3000 and similar devices, some of which are also made to measure.
What does really interest me is how mainstream it could be given the right impetus and exposure. I’ve yet to mention it to a man who didn’t quite obviously find it exciting to think about even if they coughed and spluttered when I described male chastity to them.
I think it’s untrue to say most men want a dominant woman in their bed and that they secretly yearn to submit (that’s one of those untestable statements people like to come out with safe in the knowledge they can’t be proven wrong), but I’ve yet to meet one who didn’t like a woman who took control between the sheets, at least occasionally.
And what about women?
Some of us are cold fish, either by nature or because we’re in unrewarding and unsatisfying relationships. In those cases, while male chastity might have some appeal if he makes your skin crawl, it’s not excitement making it appeal.
But on the whole women, once they understand the concept and mentally divorce it from the male-submission kink which it’s perhaps unfortunately become synonymous with seem to find it intriguing and equally as exciting as the men.
It’d be fascinating to do some research on this… get a group of couples, split them up and get them to read some educational material about male chastity and then interview them individually about their feelings towards it, before interviewing them a second time together.
My guess is as individuals they’d be straining at the leash for it… but when together would be rather more reticent.
I don’t know of course.
It’s just fascinating to think about.
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Sarah,
It’s not exactly empirical evidence, but I found this interesting:
http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/sexmap/bondage-bdsm.html
According to that, the second most popular bondage/BDSM item sold in the UK (by lovehoney, anyway) is the CB6000. Maybe it’s not so uncommon after all!
Even more interesting (for me, anyway) is that the CB6000 is the 7th most popular overall in my town. It makes me wonder how many chaste men I’ve walked past while out in town!
Going by the sketchy sales data, I think the number may be surprisingly high. I think maybe as many as 1% of couples in the US and UK have at least tried it. I’m not sure what percent play on a regular basis, or what percent of men walking around a typical anglosphere street have a lock dangling in their BVDs, but I think it’s quite a few.
Oh, and +1 from me on the guide idea. I’d love to read something that doesn’t seem to think the point of chastity is making your guy wear pink panties and serve you wine while you catch STDs from every gigolo in the neighborhood.
I am a male — as my name indicates. I enjoy a zone that lies somewhere between chastity and non-chastety. When I make love with my wife, I love to penetrate her (of course), but not climax. She on the contrary has climaxed quite a few times, before I pull out, but again without having climaxed.
What I like about this is that my sexual or erotic cup just overflows for the rest of the night, even as I sleep. Yet, I still have not cum or climaxed.
Then in the morning, I will enjoy my wife’s giving me a hand job, which will then give me a climax that is positively earth-shattering.
So, this is a little like having my cake (chastity) and eating it too (climaxing in a morning after cum).
You might consider the “check out line” metric. I usually peruse Cosmo etc. in the line and they invariably have one or more things he (or she) should try in bed. They often cover D&S (hold her down/get on top), spanking (ask her first and start light!), exhibitionism (in the park, on the beach, etc.), and some tease and denial (usually the strip). It is far from scientific, obviously, but may provide a data point on how “mainstream” a given kink is becoming. To date, sadly, I’ve seen nothing about keeping your man under lock and key that I recall. I’ll keep an eye out.
A perhaps more interesting question for me. What percentage of people that are involved in male chastity also intertwine that with male submission, at some level? My relationship does, but it is far from the sissy maid, cuckold world that neither of us (my wife and I – not speaking for you and I) are interested in. We also don’t do (or pretend to do!) the whole 24/7 slave/submissive thing, since we are both well adjusted working professionals. But, in the bedroom and our private life, we play out that dichotomy frequently. I guess I wonder what male chastity without some bit of male submission looks like? That will give me something to think about. . .
Oh, I hope you got Permission from Joe of the Chastity Taliban to have thoughts like this!
It’s a good question, though: does male chastity necesarily involve some element of male submission?
I don’t think it does, but I’m speaking only of my own experience and unlike the CT don’t presume to tell others what to do, think, say or write.
I think perhaps what I feel from John is a sense of “surrender” rather than “submission”, and it’s definitely confined to our chastity play and lifestyle.
Sarah.
Woooooo Hoo! Bravo…!! Sorry, I couldn’t contain my enthusiasm for your post Sarah. I’m not one for labels, and the discussion of definitions has been getting laborious. But I do like the comment on surrender over submission.
I too have been curious over how far has this subject gone mainstream, and although I don’t read the women magazines, they tend to cover a wide range of topics that surprise me now and then. I keep thinking the subject will come up, but I’m afraid of how it will surface. I would love to see them pickup on your proposed ‘Guide’ and introduce it with your flavor of ‘vanilla’ rather then the other or harsh side that has been discussed.
As one of the other blogs mentioned about sitting in church and spotting a special key hanging from a bracelet, it could be more mainstream than we know…
Thanks Sarah & John… Love the thoughts expressed here.
My (our) pleasure, Grey.
I imagine it could be brought up somewhat tastefully by a publication such as Cosmo; but, on the other hand, if The Sun or similar got their hands on it, there would be calls to have us all sign the sex-offenders’register, I’m sure.
Sarah
A few years ago there was an article – someplace- in a more mainstream paper that quoted someone from AL Enterprises saying that “tens of thousands” of CB2000s had been sold. Back in (IIRC) 2007, The Stockroom was ALEs top reseller of CBxxxx products, with over 20,000 units sold. Given the numbers, I think we can safely say that by now, ALE has sold at least 100,000 different units in the US. Naturally, there are a dozen other manufacturers of devices, but the CBxxxx are probably the most common.
Now, keep in mind that a certain percentage of people own more than one device, usually trading up in hopes of something more secure or comfortable. A lot of men traded up from the CB2000, but I don’t know if the same number traded up from the 3k to the 6k.
Also, the 6k seems to be getting more air time; that is, in the little bit of fetish erotica that I see, men are more often using the 6k. This suggests that at least the devices are being noticed and used.
I have seen some of the joke/lulz type of websites feature the 3k and 6k, usually as a “who the hell would do this?” post. But again, if you believe that no publicity is “bad”, then the word is getting out there.
Next thing, you’d need to have an episode of some girly show in which a device is given as a gag gift. That would raise the curiosity factor… unfortunately, it could also raise the squick factor if thousands of women fired up Google to search on them, and ran across the sissified, sissy maid stuff.
Well, just FYI, I decided to hop over to Cosmo.com and search for “chastity.” Nothing of interest, except the Google-fed ads do put the CB 2K/3K/6K as the first suggestion! Their sex tips get repetitive very fast, and the closest they get is to “taunt him” and to tie up his junk with your scarf. They do have a “blog” over there of a fictional nature — maybe a well placed comment or two could move things along! I’ll leave that to your professionals
Tom, I think the “who the hell would do this?” stuff is right out of Shakespeare. It reminds me of the time I had to explain to my now-departed mother what “cunnilingus” meant. She professed disgust at the very idea when I explained, but I don’t believe it for a second.
I DO know there is a lot of money to be made by the likes of Tollyboy et al if they got their marketing and businesses sorted out. John wishes he were artsy-and-crafty enough to make the things himself, but, alas as a craftsman he’s a dead loss (by his own admission).
Sarah.
Hi Sarah,
Fascinating questions and I too would love to know the numbers.
Orgasm control is pretty common in the bdsm world in F/m relationships and play. With M/f, it’s also fairly common, but extended periods of denial less so. At least that is my impression over the years I’ve been involved with or following kink.
I suspect far more people go in for some form of OC&D play without using chastity devices than those who do use such. Outside of bdsm there seems to be a psychological barrier to using sex toys for many, and even more so when it comes to what are perceived as kinky sex toys.
Yes, it would be great if it became accepted as a fun game couples could play, and CD’s were to be seen as just another toy to enhance the erotic, like vibrators, or sexy lingerie, or even the toy handcuffs and similar light bondage toys that one sees on sale on the high street in a certain chain of stores.
Sadly I suspect the association with other kink activities, with D/s, and the various unfamiliar contraptions will put many off.
Perhaps we could completely re-brand it. Anyone for “extended erotic suspense”. Stress the macho elements, the enhanced sexual pleasure, and improved performance. Perhaps link in to a comment made on a TV interview with the inventor of the CBx000 range, one side effect or regular use is, “possibly a modest increase in girth”. Downplay submission since that is not perceived as a manly trait. (Unless one considers the military, law enforcement, health service, firemen, public officials, etc).
If I were to speculate I’d hazard that greater than 50% of sexually active couples engage in short term T&D at times, maybe 5% for more extended times but less than 0.1% use chastity devices.
Sadly we live in a sex negative culture otherwise perhaps IKEA would have Sweedish designers producing the Koklok or whatever and Tesco would be doing a buy one get one free whilst Sainsburys retaliated with a 3 for 2 offer.
Probably that is the biggest barrier, most people are not sex positive and positively clam up in public. Serious subjects like hot sex are dealt with by smutty schoolperson humour and disparagement to hide discomfort.
Truly I think your idea of writing a book is a great idea and I shall certainly buy a copy. I’m even prepared to offer to lend you Claire as a proofreader if you wish
.
Regards,
Michael
Lol, thanks, Michael… but John will do the proofreading for me. We always proof-read each-other’s work.
I will send you a review-copy, though, if you like.
Sarah.
If doing research for your book, why not ask ALE directly how many of which devices have been sold? Would seem that they would enjoy the publicity as well?!
Seems a pretty straightforward question – even more so in “research” for a book. MY guess is that they don’t have the marketing resources to pursue what you are doing, and would welcome the assist in getting the word out.
I too, like the idea of a “vanilla” type book on this topic – the more “mainstream”, the better!
be
Hi Sarah,
Thank you although I am not sure where I would post a review since I’m more of a commenter than a blogger. Still if Amazon stock it I could always post one there I guess.
Michael
btb – a few years ago I was on the phone with ALE over another issue, and I asked about the numbers. At the time I was told that they do not discuss sales numbers with anyone.
However, in the last year or so, the original owners have sort of retired, and the business is being run by a daughter and son-in-law. Perhaps they might be more open to discussing that now.
Male chastity and religion
I am John from France 49 years old. Women is higher than the males. I am born to Women serve. Religion can me help to find a Woman who to me a chastity cage ? help me please.
esclave68@voila.fr