Some people claim a male chastity lifestyle can fix a bad marriage and make it work.
I suppose this is possible, but I think it’s highly unlikely. I think it’s much more likely to be the other way around – that is, the marriage is already sound and you’re happy enough with one another… but you’re perhaps not quite content.
John tells me his desire for orgasm control goes back a long, long way to when he was 12 or 13, when he first used to fantasise about one of his friend’s mothers slowly teasing him to an eventual if torturous orgasm. It was his first wank-fantasy and as you’d expect wasn’t terribly sophisticated or complex (not that it needs to be when you’re a 13 year-old boy and have a non-stop erection).
Over time, as John got older wiser and far more experienced the fantasy grew with him until today it’s fully-fledged gilt-edged male chastity lifestyle he dropped on me about 2½ years ago.
So what point am I making here?
Well, the point is of two perspectives: his, and yours.
From his, things have come to some kind of head or fruition and he can’t keep silent any longer. For him, he’s at a point where it’s shit or bust.
But for you… well, you don’t know what the fuck it is. One day you’re muddling on through life as best you can; and the next you have something dropped in your lap that looks for all the world like a bomb with the potential to destroy everything you have with the man you love.
I’m not joking or exaggerating. This isn’t just how I saw it in those first few moments – many, many women have experienced more or less the same thing. And more experience it with every passing day, I should imagine.
Now, take a step back and imagine a relationship hanging together by a thread, weathering the storms of the passing years on a wing and a prayer… and all of a sudden the at best tolerated and at worst despised husband reveals his desire for a male chastity lifestyle, along with all it implies: more sex, more intimacy, doing more of everything together. Rekindling the lust and passion, back to the early nights and late mornings. Hot, sweaty no-holds-barred fucking and dirty, filthy alley-cat weekends away.
None of that is going to bode well for a happy future for anyone, methinks.
And, of course, while lack of sex in a relationship can be a big problem, it’s not usually the problem. It’s usually symptomatic of something else, something much, much deeper. Sometimes the problem is lots of little ones, none of which are even terribly important, but which conspire to make one tangled mass of shit you can’t see a way through, over, under or around.
The male chastity goes a long way to solving the problem indirectly because in the same way intimacy can encourage sex, lots of sexual activity tends to breed intimacy. It can kick us out of the rut we’re in and start fixing the problems that have made the lack of sex a problem all of its own.
Sex is a bit like hunger. Men are always hungry and if they can’t get a gourmet meal they’ll settle for whatever they can find in the fridge; we women are a little more discerning and like to be wined and dined and savour every mouthful. So when it comes to the humdrum routine of everyday life, the effort required to make such a spread is too much, so he’ll satisfy himself with the sexual equivalent of a cheeseburger and take himself off for quick wank. And the male chastity lifestyle, to continue the metaphor, is often his way of trying to get back to a sensible diet.
This is why his focus on the male chastity lifestyle is primarily sexual with the myth that your trading sex as a currency is the key to a happy relationship.
And really, it’s not. Yes, there are exceptions, men who like to be treated like dirt and women who like to treat them that way, but that’s the point: they are exceptions. That’s why they draw so much comment and attention.
I’m now getting a lot of email from people reading the free guide all asking in effect the same question: “my wife and I, blah blah blah… will locking me in a chastity belt help?”.
And you’re asking the wrong person!
You should be having this conversation with your wife not me! I can share with you the broad spectrum of pleasure and benefits I’ve experienced myself, or others have shared with me, but when it comes down to living the male chastity lifestyle with your partner, I know nothing about you, your relationship, your wife’s personality and desires or anything else about her.
I don’t have those answers for you. Nor does anyone else.
Because the only place you’ll find them is in communication, negotiation and dialogue with each other.
Even if you decide you really can’t find a way forward and need professional help from a marriage counsellor, that first step is still one only you two can decide to take together.
This is why, in the free Guide, I take great pains in the first few parts to encourage you to decide what you want, gather your facts, and communicate your wants and needs, and listen to hers.
The male chastity lifestyle is the icing on the cake… and you really do need to have the cake there first.
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{ 7 comments }
I love the idea that chastity is NOT about fixing a bad relationship’s problems. I very much appreciate the conception of chastity in a relationship as a process of increasing intimacy and communication based on trust, sharing, and mutual emotional risk. I think a lot of relationship ruts can be based on risk avoidance; a safe, familiar, growing emotional distance, as opposed to a riskier process of increasing intimacy.
I cringe when I read accounts of couples trying to fix an essentially sexless emotionally distant relationship with chastity. I tend to imagine that often this is the man sharing the most intimate long standing fantasy about emotional intimacy (even if it isn’t explicitly understood as this). But in a relationship with little or bad sex this can be understood for the woman as an arcane or bizarre ritual that allows for less sex, less intimacy, and more emotional distance.
Sarah, I think that your blog is exceptional in that you envision chastity as being about more sex rather than less sex, about more intimacy rather than less intimacy. Brilliant. I think that you are helping people to find a core relationship connection in chastity rather than, as it often is imagined, a paradoxical and puzzling emotional and sexual disconnect. Thank you so much!
I think you’re right, Ted. It seems most men seem to equate sex with emotional intimacy, an expression of love. And most women simply don’t feel the same way.
To me, the role of sex in male chastity in relation to the marriage or union as a whole is perhaps best expressed by pointing out that male chastity is essentially a kinky game.
If your relationship is so distant and cold you’re not even having “normal” sex, then you’d be insane to imagine leapfrogging into kinky sex is going to help.
And thank you for your kind words
True intimacy within a relationship can be expressed in a lot of different ways and it is easily missed or misunderstood out of context. Over the weekend my girlfriend slammed me against a concrete column – twice – and each time it took my breath away. In an amazing way. It was unexpected and it brought me immediately into a completely present-moment, a submissive, receptive, completely “there” connection between the two of us. It makes her feel empowered, kind of “badass”, which is hot in and of itself. we kissed, and went on with whatever we were doing. It was a moment (twice) in which we took a slice out of the reality in which we share with the rest of the world to enter into our own private space, our own shared intimacy.
But if I ever tried to tell someone that I find it erotic when L. slams me into a wall, it would be easy to imagine how that could be misunderstood, as being about the act itself or even about physical and/or emotional abuse. If I had a blog about how L. slams me into concrete walls I might get e-mails from people sharing their own fantasies about rough play, mistreatment, or even violence. And in an essential core the play IS rough, even violent sometimes. But even more importantly it is intimate, a shared intimacy that we co-create.
Kinky play, whatever form it might take for a particular couple, is most hot in the shared intimacy that it provides. In my opinion, anyway.
“True intimacy within a relationship can be expressed in a lot of different ways and it is easily missed or misunderstood out of context”
Definitely. Tangentially, this is what pisses me off about people who tell me I “must” be a Domme, closet or otherwise.
Because I love it when John physically dominates me – pins me down and fucks me senseless. I struggle, too, sometimes, but he’s too strong. The only difference between now and before is now he doesn’t orgasm unless I say so.
Now, in the “real world” if someone used their physical strength to confine me, I’d freak. I’d be hysterical. Being in a relationship with a man I love and trust allows me to have that happen to me knowing it’s safe and sane and I’m secure.
This is one reason I find all the “she’ll divorce me if I take the CB off” stories so silly, because at that point it’s no longer safe – there are very real and serious consequences to not sticking with the rules of the game. It’s a loss of control that trancends the kink and makes itself known in real life. I think very few men would actually ever stand for that.
Love this site and when I take small parts out to disagree with doesn’t mean that I don’t love or agree with most of it.
“Sex is a bit like hunger. Men are always hungry and if they can’t get a gourmet meal they’ll settle for whatever they can find in the fridge; we women are a little more discerning and like to be wined and dined and savour every mouthful. So when it comes to the humdrum routine of everyday life, the effort required to make such a spread is too much, so he’ll satisfy himself with the sexual equivalent of a cheeseburger and take himself off for quick wank. And the male chastity lifestyle, to continue the metaphor, is often his way of trying to get back to a sensible diet.”
Many women have a greater sex hunger than many men.As to a wank being like a hamburger well most really good wanks for me are actually better that penetrative sex.The reason I share time and intimacy with a person is that I love her and want to be with her and want to share my body with her even though it might not be as exciting as my own hand in physical sensation terms.All the cuddling and talking and kissing and planning and doing is something way better tahn my own hand can provide.
Many do; most don’t, Femsup.
You are an individual and a statistically insignificant sample.
Wonderful blog entry Sarah, and so very true. The idea that a small device will make everything good in a marriage has been selling all kinds of devices for a great many decades And although my wife really does think that the VitaMix blender is pretty awesome, and I’m a big fan of the dishwasher & blender, they don’t make our marriage work.
I think we both would agree that support, communication, love and patience are the things that make it work.
Chastity just makes it a bit more fun.