One common phrase we use when we discuss the male chastity lifestyle is “be careful what you wish for”. In fact, it’s the tagline not only of this blog but also the forum over at chastity mansion. I think even Spock referred to it once, somewhat obliquely when he said in his inimitable way, “Ston, she is yours. You may find that having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. This is not logical, but it is often true”.
And indeed it is, indeed it is. In fact, and this might seem somewhat tangential but it’s not, research has shown over and over again our “happiness level” isn’t actually increased by “having” things at all – we generally feel slightly buoyed up for a while and then generally slip back to where we were. I’ll come back to this below.
One of life’s apparent mysteries is we want what we can’t have, but in terms of evolution perhaps it’s not such a mystery at all. At some point in our past meeting our basic needs, shelter, food, a mate, etc. was fundamental to our survival as individuals.
Nowadays that’s less a matter of life and death for most of us, but our poor old ape-brains sitting on that limbic system inside us can’t differentiate between wants and needs.
Now, I always thought it was self-evident what it means as an observation on life in general and a warning for any man bent on the male chastity lifestyle in particular. In effect it’s warning against exactly that which Spock was talking about, and something those of us embracing the male chastity lifestyle talk about frequently: the fantasy is not the same as the reality.
The (usually male) fantasy is he’s locked up from day one in an inescapable belt that rarely comes off because his wife has hidden the key, and at the same time she’s turned into some sex-crazed nympho fuck-vixen who can’t get enough of his tongue, fingers and strap on.
But the reality is always more mundane.
First, it always takes time to get used to any device. And some you simply can’t get used to – as with John and the Lori #12D.
Secondly, real life is not a soap-opera. With vanishingly rare exception your woman doesn’t turn into a sex-crazed nympho fuck-vixen just because your ardour and libido have increased back to the same kind of levels they were at when you first met.
You are not spending your entire lives in bed or engaging in wild sex, however you choose to engage in that while embracing the male chastity lifestyle. You have jobs to go to, errands to run, kids to look after… you still get headaches, tired, colds and have good days and bad days, just as you do now.
Yes, your sex-life might improve and become more regular and frequent, and you might find your entire relationship improving and growing – all these things are certainly true for me and John.
But like an iceberg, most of your life is under the surface, hidden from view. And while you might say the endless posts on forums and blogs contradict what I’m saying, remember they’re not only self-selecting for the people most deeply embracing the male chastity lifestyle, but they’re also writing specifically about that aspect of their lives and you’ll find 80% of the posts come from just 20% of the posters.
What this all means is, for a man, being locked up is not all one long orgy of sex and orgasm denial. It’s actually very long periods of just being locked up and going about your daily life with a dripping dick (which is by all accounts very pleasurable), punctuated by frustrating but ultimately very rewarding and satisfying bouts of lovemaking.
Where the warning comes in, partly, is it’s important to realise you don’t get any control over this, not if you’re sticking to the rules of the game you’re playing.
If you’re expecting sex every night, you can probably pretty much forget it. If you’re embracing the male chastity lifestyle you don’t really get a say.
What’s more, you don’t usually get a say about when or even if you’re going to orgasm. When you’re scheming, planning and plotting how to get your wife or lover involved in all this, you’re focusing on the high-points.
It’s great wank-fodder to fantasise about all that frustration and denial, isn’t it?
The only problem is your wank ends up with an orgasm; when you’re locked, you don’t get one and often for a long, long time.
I think the mistake most men make, and probably women, too, is the whole male chastity lifestyle tends to be male-led. After a while, if you’re both lucky, the woman gets wind of this and changes it around.
And that is when the whole thing takes on a new direction and elevates things to an entirely new and different plane of existence. Unlike your wank-fantasies where you’d orgasm every time you played the fantasy out in your head, you’re going to end up not orgasming far more often than you do.
Think you can handle that? From what John says and from what other men say, it’s tougher than you think.
Finally, I mentioned up top how our “happiness levels” tend to slip back to where they were surprisingly quickly after getting that which we desire so much and tell ourselves is going to “make us happy”.
Well, the male chastity lifestyle is no different.
Even if your wife or lover does turn into that sex-crazed nympho fuck-vixen, your happiness levels are going to sink back to where they were before simply because anything repeated often enough becomes old-hat and no longer stimulating – this is why so many of us push so many boundaries and limits.
I’m sure there are exceptions, but that’s what they are: exceptions. And like any exception, the chances are overwhelmingly against you being one of them.
Bluntly, the chances are she’s not going to become that sex-crazed nympho fuck-vixen… and that leaves you where you were before you begged and pleaded with her to make your life complete by embracing the male chastity lifestyle… only now you’re frustrated, horny, unable to wank and, as Spock warned you… “you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting”.
Tagged as: chastity lifestyle, Male Chastity, Male Chastity Lifestyle, male orgasm denial
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OMFG! In the last few months Mrs. Edge and I have had a couple of flus each, she’s had UTIs, I’ve hurt myself working out, we’ve had holiday dinners, work stress, business functions, social engagements, kids, family, and the odd thing, like the relatives who stopped by and stayed for *hours* on one of our normally free nights. And I swear it sometimes seems like we get more, not fewer interruptions as we get older.
:nods:
I just happened to write about this last year, after having run across a great line from Winnie-the-Pooh:
Ironically, it’s this paragraph that causes a problem:
You almost make that out to be a bad thing, but having arrived there, I can tell you that this *is* actually quite erotic… if you can develop the type of mindset needed in order to enjoy it.
Nice post today!
Brilliant post!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
And I’m honored to be the inspiration for this post.
This is the clearest explanation I’ve ever heard about that warning. I guess it had to come from a female perspective. I can see the difference between what I would want and what would actually happen (allowing my wife to really control things). I guess that’s where the warning comes in. Never thought of it in those terms.
And it’s very confusing to me how you can give your wife total control and yet have it be consensual without topping from the bottom.
I appreciated what you said about the thrill diminishing with time and the need to up the limits. At some time in the future, when there are no more limits to push, I wonder if it will it get routine and become boring, if not difficult, for John to bear. Or will he be so used to it, it won’t matter any more.
My marriage is very good and perhaps other D/S activities and giving her more control would further spice up and improve things without chastity, since, unlike your John, I don’t have a desire for it. I just like the stories. Does that mean I want it?
I may have to look further into that one.
Tom: I didn’t mean to imply it was necessarily a bad thing.
What I was getting at is the poor schmucks reading the largely fanciful posts from the forums perhaps get the impression they’re going to be eating beaver every night and enjoying the immediate frustration. But in reality they’re not.
John agrees with you about the eroticism of the long denial
.
And you hit the nail on the head: you have to develop the right mindset. It’s not something that you can slip into with the ease of a chastity belt, at least not at first. And yet that seems to be what people taking their first tentative steps into the male chastity lifestyle think, hope and believe happens.
John just made a good analogy from his old martial-arts days: “it’s a bit like the kid who walks into the karate class thinking he can walk out after his first lesson and beat the shit out of a bunch of thugs standing on the corner”.
Dennis: Much obliged, and glad you like it.
What I perceive is most men start by topping from the bottom. And that’s perfectly OK if it suits you both because it’s your life and your game. Don’t let the Chastity Taliban tell you how it “must” be played.
As to whether you want it or not: I can’t possibly know.
And the only way you will ever know is if you try it. And there is a risk attached to that as I outlined. But life without risks is boring, in my opinion.
Sarah.
I am one of those, “watch what you wish fors”. I asked my wife to help me control my out of control masturbating. At first she wasn’t as keen on it as I hoped, then we started off slowly for a trial run….now going 2 months into it she has no thought of ending it. She quite enjoys the power she has over me, all of the attention and help that she now gets without even asking. She has taken total control over the situation, something that I had hoped she would, well now she did! I have no chance of getting out of this until the earliest date of July 22nd. But it can and will be longer if she sees the need. I do enjoy my position at times, but as stated herein, not nearly as much as I had hoped. Now I cannot go back to where I was until my wife tires of this new life together, I must add…I don’t see that happening for quite some time with the level of appreciation she has developed using this to her advantage. Good luck to all who have taken this road…Mine is going to be a long and difficult trip down frustration way!!
Well, to be strictly honest, Scott, you remain in the belt or device because you choose to. You remain as you are because the cost (in terms of the pain of suffering your wife’s anger, disappointment, etc.) is greater than the pain of going without your orgasms.
She hasn’t taken control: you’ve given it to her.
Still, it’s good you’re feeling this way, lol. John rarely complains but I sense he’d like to orgasm more than I “allow” him to. But that’s part of the fun
.
Scott, thank you for your honest appraisal of your situation. It’s perhaps the most honest I’ve ever read .
Most posters seem to be bragging about how long they’ve been locked up. And while I’ve heard of many men having a hard time coping, none have expressed the desire to end the chastity experience.
It sounds like it’s a bit much for you. When during the journey did that happen? Do you want to stop the chastity or make orgasms more frequent? Because Scott, your wife will never tire of chastity. Sorry.
And this is what I can’t get. Scott is making a huge sacrifice for his wife. I would think she would consider his sacrifice and desire to please her by making it easier for him to cope. This seems to be common.
I’ve read about men who wished their lockups weren’t so long but it’s on their wives terms. I would think that their loving wives wouldn’t want them to suffer beyond what they felt was comfortable or bearable. That is, unless they wanted her to act this way.
Most good Dommes are supposed to know the effects of their ‘toys’ by trying them out of themselves (albeit very lightly). But a woman can’t know what it feels like to be a man in chastity. Except, I have heard about several women who had testosterone treatments for a short time. They said they were climbing the walls with horniness and they didn’t know how men coped with it. Imagine going a month or more without. I can’t.
Sarah, when you say John would want to cum more often. Doesn’t he because he wants to go longer or is it because you are pushing him to go longer? How much input does he have on his lockup times. And John is unusual about his desired lockup terms so maybe it would be different if his desire was for, say, 2 weeks. One month seems to be the average for seasoned couples.
So how much say does a man have on the length of his lockup. Again the consensual versus giving up total control thing.
That’s the whole point, Dennis: the whole thing is consensual.
If a couple find it’s really not working for them, as in, say, the man is genuinely getting miserable and it’s affecting his happiness with life in general, then he’s free to discontinue the practice by simply removing the belt or device.
If his wife is of the type who says “Remove the belt and I’ll see you in court for the divorce!”, well he still has a choice and I’d suggest he’s actually better off without her unless he likes emotional blackmail and abuse (it’s always possible, of course).
Scott, I think, is living at least partly in a fantasy world. He could stop the game if he wanted to, but he clearly doesn’t want to. His wife has control only because he’s given it to her and continues to allow her to have it. More to the point, he’s not making a sacrifice. A sacrifice is where you give up something you value for something you don’t. Scott clearly values his wife’s happiness or satisfaction or whatever you like to call it. He’s also getting something out of it himself. If he wasn’t, he could stop.
As for John: when he’s horny and when we’re making love, he wants to orgasm. There’s no pretence in his begging and he means it. If he chose to, he could orgasm simply by removing the devce or doing it himself when he’s on his Honour. He doesn’t, though, because he enjoys the game, as indeed do I.
Afterwards he’s always glad I didn’t give in to his begging because he’s still got that halfway to orgasm feeling you men seem to enjoy so much.
Sarah.
Sarah, Please STOP! The truth, I can’t bear it! The fantasy must continue, let us have our dreams and delusions…Sob
How can we survive without the fantasy!
No really, I love your writing. You absolutely nail what it’s really like. You’re so on target, it’s as if you’ve been in our little metal and plastic cages yourself.
Chaste
Lol, I don’t think I could stand that, Chaste. I’d find it unbearable. But men and women have very different sexuality in so many respects. John communicates very well with me how he’s feeling and why he likes it (or not). Plus a lot of it is just plain old common sense and human psychology.
Sarah.
You are right about all that. I have been saying roughly the same for a couple of years. A male-advocated female led relationship and chastity play is a burden on the female, and a fantasy sex play by the male. Some males are genuine in their willingness to serve, but without the sex play all that diminishes over time.
Right on the money, Pet (haven’t I seen you over at the Mansion?).
Being in control is hard work, and John and I are pretty “vanilla” in that respect. I can barely imagine how much of a chore something like TPE must be for the one in control.
Sarah.
Thank you for your response, Sarah. It is helping me understand the dynamics at work. It’s sometimes hard to separate the fantasy from reality and I may be reading too many posts from the more intense players that tend to dominate the posts.
The problerm with reading the posts on the forums and things is, as you say, separating fantasy from reality.
Just bear in mind a couple of things. First, the forum participants are self-selecting i.e. only the top fraction of a % of people interested in male chastity ever bother to post there.
Secondly, because the fantasy is always hotter than the reality, that’s what they’re going to write.
Thirdly, the bits they post about which are real are usually going to be the juicy bits. Compare this to, say, diet-programmes who post the testimonials from two or three peopple who lost 5 stone in a week and a half; you don’t get to read about the umpty-million who lose a couple of pounds and then gain another 7 stone.
My suggestion, for what it’s worth? Do less reading and more doing. All the theory in the world is just that: theory. Start putting it into practice and find out what works for you and your wife. Nothing else matters and, frankly, no one else’s opinion counts.
Sarah.
Secondly, because the fantasy is always hotter than the reality, that’s what they’re going to write.
:ahem:
Some of them do. A few of us still tilt at the windmills and try to bring a more balanced perspective.
And I’ve been boo’d off of a few forums in the past for calling “bullshit” on some people, or for trying to point out that the realities of this just are not, as you’ve said, anything like the wank fodder.
One moderator wrote to me that “a lot” of the members had privately complained to him that I was spoiling things for them in the forums. I shudder for the newbies who might have run across that forum on their travels.
Well, yes, obviously only some. Probably most. But I sit corrected, Tom.
I don’t know about you, but I find it all rather… creepy and profoundly sad that people would complain because you’re pointing out the truth to them.
Oh well… no accounting for taste.
John and I have just been out for a long walk, and we talked about the blog, the Guide and everything surrounding it. We’re both amazed at how many people are putting up their hands and saying they’re sick of the BS.
Like you, I feel for the newbies. I mean, I was one and, yes, it was tough at times trying to make sense of it all, especially when at the time I was looking, as a woman who’d just had the idea mooted to her by her husband, I was feeling quite emotional about things.
Fortunately John was calm and rational and pointed out the BS for what it was.
Sarah.
Sad, yes, and all the more so because Mrs. Edge and I *do* play with chastity and OD in a real-life way that (I suspect) was far more than many of the whiners had. One group accused me of making up stories, as if my tales of very mundane lockups were more extreme than the tales of harsh mistresses and cuckolding that many of the other members posted.
:eye roll:
I have been complaining about this kind of thing for about 7 or 8 years now, and I often become frustrated by what I see. Sometimes I stop visiting the groups for weeks or months at a time because if I don’t, I’m only going to post snarky messages, instead of something positive and helpful. I know I shouldn’t, but for some reason I just keep plugging away, trying to point out to whoever will listen that this can be a fun little kink, and one that is easy for the vanillas to get into.
Sarah, I really appreciate your input. This is somethng that can’t be discussed with due to their ignorance about it. I am not looking to end my journey, in fact I hate to love it or love to hate it, which ever sounds better. I truly understand and am thankful to my wife for taking on such an endeavor. She is a very strong women who likes to be in control of most situations. I believe she is doing the right thing keeping my chaste for the time frames that she is, I am just complaining I guess. This forum is new to me, I hope I won’t anger anyone or discourage others with my thoughts. All I am saying is basically, for me, this is not fantasy it is in fact reality. As you kindly reminded me, one to which I requested to be allowed to live not one forced upon me. But as I stated many of us have wishes that we don’t really calculate out then once it becomes a reality we find out exactly what it is all about. Thank you so much Sarah for your response and input here, your ideas and experienced input is much appreciated, you can only imagine how confused I am with this whole process so all of your input will be accepted with much thanks!
If people are angered or discouraged, that’s their lookout.
Not only did you request this lifestyle you’re living and enter into it by choice, but you remain in it by choice, too.
You’re not in “forced chastity”, Scott. You choose to continue playing the game.
Sarah.
Sarah, I guess I keep sticking my foot in my mouth. Your response sound as if I am angering you with my writings, I hope that is not true. I don’t mean that I am forced into chastity, maybe I am using the wrong terms. I am in enforced chastity one that I am not able to end without the consensual decision of my wife. I know this is something that I requested and believe me when I say I am thankful to her for allowing me this lifestyle. I give quite a bit of credit to women who will be open minded enough to help their husbands in a mostly rewarding journey.
But you are able to end it. You can cut the belt or device off.
You simply choose not to. It’s that simple.
Sarah.
You are absolutely correct. I choose to wait as instructed and see my wife gratified!
Lol, so stop complaining then!
Sarah.