So, orgasm denial… and the most common question I get asked about it.
It’s is usually something to the effect of “how long should I deny him?” or “how long should my wife deny me?”
Alas, there is no wrong or right answer to this question, and for several reasons.
Orgasm Denial Is a Very Personal Thing
- It depends on what you want. Not everyone has the same desires. Some men crave serious long-term orgasm denial (some permanent), some men balk at the thought of even 30 days, and some just like a bit of teasing for a day or two. And they’re all fine. No matter what the idiots of the Chastity Taliban say, what’s right for you is right for you. For ME personally, I like long term orgasm denial, perhaps even de-facto permanent orgasm denial. Fortunately John wants the same as I do. More on this in a moment.
- It depends on what your partner wants. If you’re a woman locking a man, there’s not much future in demanding you lock him for a year if all he wants is a week of orgasm denial. I think there’s a good case for a woman locking her man for longer than he readily agrees to, for reasons I go into in Why He Wants You to Say No, my FREE Male Chastity Guide but just remember it’s STILL consensual and depends on firmly established ground-rules for its success. Similarly, if you’re a man, you can’t reasonably expect your wife to lock you forever and miss out on what she might want, too.
- Not all men are the same. There’s no denying it — 30 days’ orgasm denial is easy for some men, and yet impossible for others. While it’s possible to adapt, the simple fact is all men are not the same, and some are going to find orgasm denial and male chastity easier to cope with than others.
- Intensity and duration. Take two extremes: being simply “locked and left” for 30 days; and then being treated to an hour’s Tease and Denial every night for 30 days with no release, no milking and not even a ruined orgasm… just pure, unrelenting orgasm denial. Which do you think would be the toughest (and the most exquisite) to endure? And, ironically… which will you prefer? Orgasm denial is a two-edged sword. For most men, the desire to beg for it is like a moth drawn to a candle-flame.
- Emotional intimacy. Like it or not some women really find it hard to cope with locking their man and enforcing orgasm denial for long periods of time. Regardless of the benefits they get, they still find it tough — it’s generally not in a woman’s nature to be cruel to her man. And we often DO see it as being cruel, regardless of whether our man has begged for it or not.
My own take on all this?
Well, I’m happy to share it with you, but please bear in mind this is just what I like and want, and what John has agreed to… because he wants it, too. Admittedly, we began with John driving the whole idea, but as I got more into it and experienced the benefits of male chastity and orgasm denial, I quickly became the one with all the… ideas ;-).
So, from my own perspective, I prefer very long term orgasm denial. I’m talking months, here, and, as you may know, at the moment we’re in the second half of a full year. After that, I don’t know. It’s possible I might restrict John’s orgasms to literally one weekend of the year. I might even decide to take him for two years, or more. I really haven’t decided yet.
And since it’s a case of Sarah Decides there is no guarantee I’ll let him come at all after New Year — in other words, I might just make it permanent.
Now, I do understand if you tell a man he’s never, ever going to come again that can cause problems in and of itself. I mean, if there’s no hope, then there’s no point, right?
But this reasoning is flawed on a number of points.
First, it’s assuming John can somehow “earn” an orgasm. He can’t. That’s simply not how we play the male chastity game. For one thing, I never, ever use sex as a currency in any way whatsoever. It’s just my personal preference because I think it causes more problems than it solves. Even if it starts out as a game, it can quickly and easily cause resentment and allow other problems to bubble up. Bottom line: if I decided on a decade’s orgasm denial and on the very first day John stole the Kohinoor diamond from the Crown Jewels in the hope of “buying” release, it simply wouldn’t work. I’d love the trinket… but he’d still endure orgasm denial for the whole ten-year stretch.
Secondly, it assumes John wants to orgasm. I think this needs some explaining. Obviously “in the moment” he does beg for release and he really, truly means it. But at the same time, after the event, when I’ve allowed him to cool down… he’s always glad I didn’t let him come. As I say so often: “they want to come… but they crave denial“. If you give in, then you’re not doing either of you any favours in the long run.
And thirdly, following on from the second point above, it assumes orgasm denial is in some way depriving John of pleasure. In fact, it’s become obvious this is simply not the case. As Tom Allen wrote ages ago about orgasm denial it’s really not a big deal:
“But let’s put this in perspective: I’ve often written that having sex without orgasm is not much different than having sex with orgasm (i.e., mine).I still get aroused. I still get to sensually explore my wife’s body, and she still sensually explores mine. I often even get very close to coming, even if I’m still in the device. In fact, all I’m really missing is that few seconds of ‘fireworks’ at the end.”
Orgasm Denial is a Gift not a Burden
The point is, if you don’t take the line that having an orgasm is the be-all and end-all of making love, then permanent orgasm denial is not the same as permanently being deprived of something incredibly important, and it may well be the pleasure vastly outweighs the suffering.
So, yes. It’s entirely possible after the New Year, John will be effectively in permanent orgasm denial.
And if he is, I shall continue to use T&D just as I do now — I shall still have the 30 day challenges and he’ll go through those knowing no matter how many times he gets to the edge, nor how close I take him… he’ll never, ever go over it again. I might even decide on no ruined orgasms, either, and stick to external milking, so his orgasm denial is absolute, complete and permanent.
There will be no leniency, no mercy and no release. I think we’d enjoy that.
But this isn’t something I’ll be doing to John. It’s something I’ll be doing with him. Obviously if orgasm denial every truly became a problem I’d stop it in a heartbeat. Orgasm denial is something added to our relationship — it’s not the relationship itself, nor is it foundational to it.
It’s just a game.
It’s always just a game, and a game entered into willingly by all the men and women who play it. Any claim to the contrary is a lie, at least in the relatively free societies of the West.
Ultimately, you’ve got to choose what’s right for you both. Ignore the dunderheads and asshats who tell you the man has to submit to the woman’s demands or else, and treat the fuckwits who claim they “have no choice” with the deep contempt and derision they richly deserve.
It’s bullshit. You know it’s bullshit. And they know it’s bullshit. That’s why they get so emotional and angry when you call them on it. Men are as entitled to their orgasms as women are. But some men like to beg for consensual orgasm denial.
Now, if you really want to experience the pleasure and delight of male chastity and orgasm denial for yourself, starting right from the beginning where you have “the conversation” with your beloved and explain to her (or him) what you want, and the benefits you’ll both experience, then I strongly urge you to read my FREE Guide to Male Chastity.
Lori lancer (yes THAT Lori) said about it “I had no idea that you were so talented and had learned so much in such a short time. You really did your home work … I think your writing is the best I have seen“; and Astrid of NeoSteel said, “I write to you today to say that I am very impressed about your ‘male chastity guide’ which I registered for some time ago.”
High praise from some people who really know what they’re talking about when it comes to male chastity and orgasm denial.
It won’t cost you anything but your time and you have nothing to lose but your freedom to orgasm…
So there we have it: all the reasons I can’t answer the question about how long you should aim for with orgasm denial.