An interesting observation from a reader yesterday on the topic of permanent denial.
She (!) said:
“Hello Sarah, I love the idea of permanent denial for my husband, and unlike a lot of your readers, I think I really do understand the benefits for a man.
I’ve talked it over myself with [my husband] and while he’s nervous and a little unsure he can see my point. And that is it means he can relax and stop worrying about when I may or may not let him orgasm and how he can earn one or persuade one from me. Because he won’t ever be getting one for any reason at all.
I know it’s going to be tough for him and it’s not something I can make him do, but he is willing to try it for me.
That was a real ‘aha!’ moment for me, and I cannot thank you enough for guiding us to this decision. ~ Jennifer”
Now that’s hit the nail right on the head. It gives me a genuine flush of pleasure when I read something like that, because it means my work is making a real difference in people’s lives.
At the risk of starting to sound like one of those idiotic ‘female supremacy’ people, I have come round to the conclusion over a considerable time that it really isn’t necessary for a man to orgasm for him to enjoy a very satisfactory sex life and relationship.
Now, please do not take that to mean I think men don’t deserve orgasms, or it’s somehow dirty or wrong to give them. I’ll leave that idiocy to the kind of fantasists who believe orgasm denial can be forced on a man against his will.
No, I mean exactly what I say:
There is no overwhelming need for a man ever to have an orgasm
There’s no compelling medical evidence to suggest he needs to orgasm, and when orgasm is withheld and denied in the context of a happy relationship and by uncoerced mutual consent, there’s no reason to suppose it’s going to cause any psychological or emotional problems, either.
After all, if a man really objects, he can simply take the device off and wank to his heart’s content.
No one is pretending permanent orgasm denial ever going to be easy; nor can we guarantee it’s going to be entirely successful. Accidents happen, and it’s all just a bit of fun, after all.
It’s also going to be a lot of work for both of you, too. The man is going to have to work hard to keep his lady satisfied because any kind of penetration is likely to be far too risky. And unless she’s going to go down the cuckolding route (I am definitely not), then she is going to miss out. Thank Heaven for strapons!
And from her side she’s going to have to work hard to keep him satisfied. Regular, frequent and varied Tease and Denial are not really optional and that takes time and effort. It’s worth it, though, I assure you.
But I think ultimately, for many couples (and certainly a lot of men who email me about this a lot), permanent orgasm denial is the way to go, because the benefits to both parties far outweigh the downside.
No, it won’t suit everyone, but I think long-term it’d suit a lot more than conventional wisdom would suggest.
This has been driven and guided in part by my own experience with John and long, long conversations with him.
We both think his orgasms are unnecessary. Yes, we both enjoy it when he has them, but weighing one up against the other — the pleasure of denial and the pleasure of orgasm — the denial wins by a massive margin.
Yes, when I have him tied down on the bed and I’m giving him a body-to-body massage and slip the Fleshlight over his cock and take him right to the edge, he’s begging to cum like you would’t believe. But you’d expect that, and after I let him cool down we’re both glad I didn’t give in to his pleading and let him cum.
You know… men want to cum, but they crave denial.
Further, we both believe permanent orgasm denial going to make things even better than they are now, which is kind of hard to believe, but there it is.
We haven’t decided on a definite timetable for this but it’s looking increasingly likely to be sooner rather than later.
See, we’ve just moved house into a 200yo renovated farmhouse in a stunning setting.
For no logical reason whatsoever, there’s something just so right about us living in a home in which he has never had and never will have an orgasm.
I don’t know why it seems so right, but John agrees with me. I guess it’s perhaps because it’s a new start, a new beginning. A new phase in our lives together.
I guess we’ll just have to see how it pans out.
Sigh… sometimes I wish I’d known all this 25 years ago, lol. My, but I’d be a little vixen with my own stable by now, I’m sure.
If I’d got into it earlier and taken a different and less sheltered path through young adulthood, I might even be more into the idea of cuckolding.
As I’ve mentioned recently in my emails, I have had my eyes opened to ways it can be made more appealing to women in the mainstream and I can definitely see some advantages to it (especially having the pleasure of a damned good fucking with a real cock and the delicious sensation of a man cumming inside me).
But, hey, if my John is prepared to give up is orgasms for me, then it’s not too much to expect me to pay my own price, too. After all, unlike the fantasy, male chastity really is not “all about her”.
It’s something you do together for mutual pleasure and enjoyment. Personally, I think the notion of it being done to someone is just an abusive fantasy.