Chastity Punishment and Reward - Reasons to be Careful

by Sarah on June 16, 2010

As you may recall, I have my own take on chastity punishment and reward (now there’s a surprise, eh?).

In the main, neither of those two things are really my cup of tea, chiefly because it requires a rather more female-domination flavour to the relationship than I personally want. I did “punish” John once when he was being a pain in the arse, but that was more by accident than by design (you may remember the infamous “ruined orgasm”, about which I am, incidentally, writing a story and which may interest one or two of you, I know).

Anyway… another reason I don’t go in for it is I like to keep my control “pure”. I’m not sure if that’s going to make sense to anyone but me, so I’ll do my best to explain it. From my perspective, I have control of John’s orgasms.

To me, if there’s the notion of “chastity punishment” or even reward, then there are then clearly going to be aspects of John’s behaviour which can elicit those from me… that in turn means some of my control has been compromised – to me it means John can, to some small extent, determine the time, manner and even the fact of his own orgasm.

And that is simply not allowed.

It’s another reason we’ve gone off the idea of random games of chance, except for some very limited and defined circumstances (but as always, all things in moderation, including moderation itself, so if I want to change my mind and make him play a game, I bloody well will!).

But there’s a third reason I don’t go in for chastity punishment and reward, too, and it’s a little more serious and potentially damaging, perhaps, than the other two.

In a “normal” relationship, and for the purposes of this post we’ll take that to mean one without any particular kink, using sex as a currency is both common and highly destructive. Sex is often seen as something the man wants and the woman dispenses as a favour.

Often it begins as a seemingly harmless “joke” but it doesn’t stay that way for long (a couple I knew, now divorced, both accept the ultimate source of their problems came from her promising to give him a blow-job if she could have a dog; she got the dog, but never gave him head – it was something she found repellent even to think about).

To compound matters men, in particular although not exclusively, frequently equate sex with affection and love – and so when a woman uses sex as a currency, she is, in his mind, also trading her affection for… whatever.

Again, this isn’t healthy in most relationships.

Now, you could argue the whole idea of male chastity is based on trading sex and there’s perhaps some truth to it in most cases. But it’s something I’ve deliberately tried to avoid as much as I can, and one way I do that is by avoiding chastity punishment and reward.

As always, I feel the need to stress here I’m talking about the majority of humans and human relationships. Some people can handle this kind of thing just fine – perhaps submissive men and their dominant women make it work. I don’t know, and more power to them if they do.

However, most men aren’t submissive and most women aren’t dominant, and it does seem like there are an awful lot of “normal” men and women who get a tickle in their pants when it comes to male chastity.

It’s perhaps unavoidable to use sex as a currency completely if you’re keeping your man chaste, because it’s elementally a sexual thing when you’ve done and said all. And I’ve no doubt playing around with chastity punishment can be fun, even if you’re not in a BDSM relationship.

One thing I recommend, though, if you do play with chastity punishment, never trade your affection.

My own emotional connection to John when we make love is so strong and deep, I’m unable to disassociate myself from the love and think purely in terms of “sex” (this is one of the reasons I won’t cuckold him – I have to have an emotional connection with someone to have sex with them, and it’s an addition to my life which would inevitably end up being a complication).

From my conversations with other women, it seems I’m not alone; and men definitely tend to confuse the two (it is complicated though… because men can fuck at the drop of a hat and it means nothing, but when they’re with someone they love they confuse the two, contradictory creatures that they are. Perhaps it’s because they instinctively feel we women can’t usually fuck without feeling. I dunno. Any man out there like to explain this to me?).

Anyway, just my thoughts on this balmy Wednesday evening.

I’m now going to go upstairs and give John the kind of “chastity punishment” he really enjoys, lol.

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