Communication in Male Chastity

by Sarah on September 22, 2010

In his comment on my last post, Male Chastity Really Does Work, Eido made several points which deserve a full answer, because they’re not obvious and I think they strike right at the core of what male chastity can mean for a marriage or relationship.

I’m going to answer the easy one here and the harder one in a lot more detail in Friday’s Male Chastity Newsletter (so if you’re not on the list, get on it now!).

His comment in full was:

Sarah, I don’t mean to beat this issue to death, but com­mu­nic­a­tion is some­thing import­ant to me because I have so much trouble with it. I real­ize that this blog is about male chastity and that is the thing you do, but I would really like your and your readers’ insights into the com­mu­nic­a­tion ques­tion.

Is there some­thing inher­ently more focus­ing about chastity play than some other altern­at­ive? Is the same level of vul­ner­ab­il­ity or clar­ity or whatever reached if a hus­band says, at the appro­pri­ately staged moment, ‘Honey, I have an interest in (whatever.) I’d like to do that (whatever) with you. How can I help us make the time or close­ness we would need if you think you’d like to do (whatever) with me?’

There are thou­sands of rela­tion­ship books out there, and though I haven’t read them all, it seems that they all stress com­mu­nic­a­tion. If it was that easy, there wouldn’t be so many books.”

OK, first point: yes:

This Blog is About Male Chastity!

Which is why it’s called the “male chastity blog”, oddly enough.

But since male chastity is for me (and everyone I have any dealings with) a means to an end rather than an end in itself, it’s not something to treat in isolation. To me that’s making the same kind of mistake men make when they put the focus of male chastity on themselves and the male chastity device and kinda forget it takes two to tango.

Seems like a trivial point I’m making, but it really isn’t – as I and others have stressed over and over again, in our experience…

The Way to Get the Most and the Best from Male Chastity is by Communicating from the Outset.

Recently there was a thread on Fetlife, where someone was saying he thought it was fine for his “owner” to do with as she would, and then gave a list of all the things it was OK for her to do.

But this is idiotic – what he’s really saying is she can do what she likes so long as he likes it, too. If he really meant she could do what she liked it would literally mean anything, from pouring burning sulphur in his eyes to treating him as a normal “vanilla” partner. My guess is he wants neither of those things.

So, how are couples to decide what the limits are with male chastity?

Communication.

It’s the only way.

And the simplest, easiest, fastest and smoothest way to do with male chastity (and probably all else, too) it is right at the beginning – and that, incidentally is exactly what I share with readers how to do both in the Free Guide and Be Careful What You Wish For.

bcwywf - cover - pdf - 3d - smallNow, to answer your final point: it’s a non sequitur to say if it was easy there wouldn’t be so many books about it. Losing weight is easy, but people want a magic‐bullet or some “secret”.

One reason there are so many self‐help books is, I suspect, people are lazy and don’t want to put the work in. Many of them want instant results with no effort or pain. When simply owning one book (rather than reading it and putting things into practice) doesn’t work, they move on to the next bright and shiny thing — John sees this all the time with business owners following new fads and fashions in marketing, when it all comes down to some very simple basics.

Communication is easy and it’s simple… but it can be very uncomfortable, and so many of us shy away from it. Another thing is the results of the communication we achieve might be other than we would like – so, like so many people on the male chastity forums, we’ll keep looking for another book that’s going to give us approval for what we want to be true rather than advice about what is actually true.

I’m not trivialising your finding communicating about male chastity hard, by the way. It may well be hard for you, but that doesn’t mean it’s hard per se.

That, and the middle point – about the inherent focus resulting from male chastity play is what I’ll answer in the Newsletter.

Previous post:

Next post: