Male Chastity and Communication

by Sarah on May 6, 2010

Interesting comments on the male chastity lifestyle and how it’s meant to be fun.

I will get round to replying to comments direct, but I’m snowed under at the minute (not least because it’s a Certain Weekend coming up, and I want to clear the decks for us going away for a couple of days. Unfortunately, no belt yet. In fact not a sausage after the excitement-inducing “your belt is finished” email. Which is, in technical terms Really Fucking Annoying).

But, let’s get back on topic.

What’s apparent in the comments and indeed in many of the emails I get, both from this blog and in response to the parts of the Guide that are going out (and if you’ve not elected to receive it and you have a question for me please leave your details and read the free male chastity guide first)

In the comment here, Tom said:

You know, I’ve been main­tain­ing that the best way to do this is to turn over *all* con­trol to Mrs. Edge (much the same way that you have the final say with John). We have eschewed games of chance, lotto draw­ings, dice tosses, ran­dom num­bers, and even time limit con­tracts and point sys­tems because all of those remove her control.”

And then Britana said:

Based on what I read here, there is no meet­ing of the minds on what is expec­ted. He seems to have a dif­fer­ent idea on what liv­ing a ‘male chastity life­style’ (MCL) is than she does and they need to bet­ter com­mu­nic­ate their feel­ings and needs”

Two comments from two respected readers and they pretty much sum up my own feelings about the whole thing.

  1. There’s no “right” and “wrong” way to do any of this. That’s one reason I wish people would take the forums a little less seriously and prescriptively.
  2. Different people in even in the same relationship can have very, very different ideas about what the whole thing means, what it entails and what the various responsibilities are.

Now you’ll notice I used the dirty “r” word there. I know at the more extreme end of D&S it seems the female-half of the relationship has all the rights and none of the responsibilities, but they’re a (frequently vocal and belligerent) minority.

Fact is, you’ve got to both be getting what you want out of it, else it’s never going to work.

But there’s the rub: for you give the other person what they want, you’ve got to know what that is.

And it strikes me, as well as the other commentators, I think, in this case neither seems to know what the other wants.

It may even be that D wants nothing but for her husband to be happy. And that’s probably a fairly common scenario, at least in the early stages of the male chastity lifestyle: your man knows what he wants and has been thinking about it for years; but you’re a bit bemused and haven’t got the same depth of knowledge or desire for it. Of course, that does tend to change once you actually start experiencing the promised benefits.

Interestingly enough, this whole topic comes up a lot in the emails to me, and my answer is usually a variation of the same thing: at some point you’ve got to communicate exactly what you want, how you want it and what you’re prepared to give in return.

Simply dropping hints isn’t going to cut it – that strategy rarely works even in the most mundane of situations; in something as unique and specific to each individual as male chastity, you don’t have a bloody hope.

Sadly, it’s inherent in Western culture not to ask for what you want.

Why?

I don’t know . Perhaps it’s because we don’t like rejection, and while we’ve not asked for what we want, we’ve not yet had it denied us, so there’s still hope for it (isn’t that ironic considering how much our men want us to say no!).

Or perhaps it has its root in religious nonsense, like so much else in society.

Or maybe it’s a self-esteem thing – if our requests are rejected, then we feel rejected.

And perhaps it doesn’t matter why so long as we know it’s true and so can do something about it by actually changing our behaviour, and communicating clearly what we want and what we’re prepared to give in return.

My weekend male chastity challenge for all those who aren’t getting what they want: write down exactly what you want from male chastity in as much specific detail as you can and give it to your partner.

No hedging, no hints, no sliding the eyes to one side in discomfort at having to reveal your deepest desires. Just an open, frank and realistic description of what would make it all a dream come true.

Go on. I dare you.

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