I guess it was inevitable someone would ask me what I meant yesterday when I said there’s a clear difference between male chastity and male orgasm denial.
Well… this might take some time, because I like to be clear and get things right.
What we’re specifically talking about on the male chastity blog, though, is male chastity; and to be even more specific we’re generally talking about intercourse and, ultimately male orgasm denial.
According to the dictionary definition, chastity is essentially abstaining from sexual relations and is usually synonymous with celibacy.
But the male chastity lifestyle is not the same as simply not having sex!
On the contrary, one thing you’ll notice if you embrace the male chastity lifestyle is you are both (usually) having more sexual activity, however you choose that to happen.
So your man will (usually) also be having more sexual activity… although it might rarely, if ever, include his penis and perhaps never include his orgasm.
Yes, I know some relationships are female-led to the extreme where the man isn’t allowed any sexual contact whatsoever, not even chastely with his wife, but they’re in the minority and certainly not the way my marriage works.
Celibacy, on the other hand, is simply a state where there’s no sexual activity going on at all. Throughout history some groups have embraced voluntary celibacy as lifestyle (like priests, nuns, and monks if you believe a word of it), and there is a movement in the US which recommends it for teenagers (without much success if you look at the statistics).
My point is male chastity is not the same as male celibacy even though they both probably involve male orgasm denial. Of course, that raises an interesting point: a man in the male chastity lifestyle is often worse off than a merely celibate man, because the celibate man can always masturbate (and they probably all do!).
So we can use the following terms:
- Celibacy a lifestyle completely devoid of any sexual activity except perhaps masturbation.
- Male Chastity (or sometimes just chastity) – preventing our man from masturbating, making love to us (or anyone else), and from having any non-utilitarian contact with his penis by himself or by another.
- Male Orgasm Denial – not allowing our man to orgasm, even if we allow him to get as far as penetrative sex.
This is what we’ve got in the first section of our chastity contract:
- Chastity – the state of John being forbidden to enjoy sexual activity involving his penis. In general, John will be locked in a secure chastity device by Sarah, and will be unlocked at her sole discretion.
- Release – the event of John being permitted to orgasm by Sarah.
- Denial – the state of John being denied release, even if unlocked from the chastity device and permitted to engage in sexual activity involving his penis.
- Permission – the clearly and unambiguously expressed wish or desire of Sarah for John to enjoy release or enter her.
- Chastity and Denial – the state of John being in chastity AND denial, OR the state of denial alone (i.e. he may be permitted to enter Sarah but not enjoy release on any number of occasions spanning any period of time).
- Permanent Chastity and Denial – the state of John being kept in chastity and denial in perpetuity, with permission for release explicitly and permanently forbidden.
- Extenuating Circumstances – circumstances which might exceptionally cause Sarah to permit a change in an established regime, including but not limited to illness, accident, disease, and injury.
Now, you might not agree with all that and either have different definitions or be anally retentive and pick holes but I’m not interested in hearing about it simply because this works for us, it has worked for us for a long time and that’s all we care about.
Anyway, I hope it’s clear now what I was talking about.
I know it all probably seems very formal to some of you, and in truth it does to me, too.
But it serves us well to remember that in the beginning this was all John’s idea, and it’s a trait of human nature that our fantasies tend to be very precise, specific and ritualistic (ritual is an extremely powerful motivator and driving force behind human societies and cultures).
Now, though, I drive this as much as if not more than John, and I personally could probably do without a formal contract in that I know I’m now in charge of his orgasms.
I recently read a brilliant post on just this by Tom Allen on his (impossible to over-recommend) Edge of Vanilla blog. I agree with what Tom says almost without exception.
But for John, perhaps understandably, it felt right and perhaps necessary to have a formal handover of power, responsibility and control. It’s also possible John feels he needs some kind of “protection”, although intellectually he must know he has nothing of the kind since our contract can basically be summed up as “You orgasm if and when Sarah says you can”.
And that’s it. Of course, looking at it another way, perhaps John could hardly believe his luck I have not only accepted his fantasy but have also embraced it to the point he’s getting a little nervous, and wanted it in black and white.
But whatever the reason, even though a contract is not necessary from my point of view, I still can’t possibly explain and certainly can’t describe how fucking hot it is knowing there’s a permanent chastity clause in there which I can enact merely by adding my signature to it in the right place.
That’s incredible. Mind blowing, in fact.
But there’s also a lot of responsibility there for me as well as power, because the contract is written such that I can’t in conscience enact the permanent chastity clause and then change my mind on a whim a couple of weeks later. Yes, I know, it cannot possibly be legally binding in any way shape or form, but it’s a case of being on one’s honour.
There’s no way I’d sign the clause and enact it unless I was 100% committed to denying John’s orgasms for the rest of our lives.
Like I said… just thinking about it makes me feel giddy with power and desire. Writing about it sends me into a blue funk, almost.
And so I go full circle… shall I or shan’t I? Will I, or won’t I?
What would you do? What have you done? Hell, if you’re in John’s position or have been in the past, what would you want?