Is a Male Chastity Device Necessary for Male Orgasm Control?

by Sarah on June 5, 2010

It seems like a sensible question: is a male chastity device necessary?

But the only reason it does seem like a good question is the subject matter is new and uncharted territory. If I were to ask someone, “is sugar in tea necessary?”, they’d almost certainly have no problem in giving me a queer look and telling me no, it’s not necessary and it all really depends on what I want my tea to taste like.

In fact, when I’m asked this question, it immediately tells me two things:

  1. The person asking it assumes there’s some objective set of rules outside their own life or relationship governing how they must play the game; and
  2. They’re still not seeing the game as a joint endeavour – rather , it’s something to be done to rather than done with a man. I suspect this view is pretty much a natural consequence of the first.

The strictly accurate although not very helpful answer is, of course “no”. A male chastity device is not necessary, in the same way televisions, comic-books and X‑boxes aren’t necessary to amuse yourself.

A better answer, perhaps, is it depends. I mean, what do you actually want from this game?

At one extreme, if you’re wrapping it all up with female domination and your thrill comes from the feeling of helplessness rather than the orgasm denial per se, then for you perhaps, it is necessary.

Or if you’re a man and you really can’t resist the urge to masturbate, perhaps for you it’s necessary, too.

But if your enjoyment comes from something other than orgasm denial alone, then maybe a male chastity device is not necessary for you. In fact, it’s easy to imagine circumstances where it’s not even desirable.

With John and me it’s definitely not necessary, but it is desirable. We both get ridiculous amounts of pleasure and enjoyment from John’s orgasm denial and because we’re not really into the female domination side of things, while the illusion of the loss of control is nice, it’s not the be-all and end-all for us.

John doesn’t cheat with his orgasms (so far as I know), and the Honour system works well for us.

Even so, we want to see what it’s like when his self-control is no longer required and we can enjoy the illusion his consent isn’t required, either. And, as most of you will know, the male chastity device we’ve chosen for this is a Tollyboy belt (which is in the post and en route, at least according to the Royal Mail’s website. I. Cannot. Fucking. Wait.).

In fact, I agree with one commentator from the other day who opined too many people see the kink as being all about the device, when really it’s about the relationship between you. There’s no law against focusing on the device, to be sure, but most people, I suspect, are in it for what the device makes possible for them rather than the device itself. A subtle but important distinction, I think.

In my free guide, I recommend couples new to the idea actually begin without a male chastity device, just to see how orgasm denial suits them both. Apart from perhaps saving you money, it’s a non-threatening way to get your wife or girlfriend playing along – presumably she’s teased you at some point before, so all you’re asking is for her to do that will a little more intention and determination, say all night until the next morning.

Not only that, but I’m afraid to me some of the devices out there look ridiculous. The first time I saw John in his CB3000 I wanted to laugh, but I contained myself because I knew it might have been taken the wrong way and offended him.

One reason we’ve chosen the Tollyboy belt is I think they are the best looking belts out there (this was an important criterion for me – if it’s not for you, than that’s cool; and of course, if they had a terrible reputation looks alone wouldn’t have swung the deal). I can’t wait to see John in it… he now has an amazing tan and a six-pack, to boot (not many men of 45 have those… well… they all have them, but John’s isn’t covered in flab). He’s going to look fucking gorgeous and I will most definitely post some pictures on the Blog of him in it.

But… I digress… it’s entirely possible the sudden appearance of one of a cheap-looking male chastity device on your man’s dick as well as the whole newness of the kink itself might prove too much for some of us (and the CB3000 does look cheap and nasty, even though it’s really neither). You might laugh, or you might just find it a turn off.

Now, there are plenty of people out there who’ll glibly say you’re not doing it the “right” way if you don’t lock your man in a male chastity device, and his masturbating is the No.1 reason your marriage isn’t one long, blissful existential orgasm for you (another load of crap), but they’re making the same two mistakes I outlined above: they clearly believe there’s some objective set of rules laid down for all couples telling them what is and is not “allowed”; and they see it as something imposed rather than shared.

I could write several lengthy posts on why I think they do this, but for now, I think we can say with some confidence it’s because most of them talk about the need for a male chastity device the same way virgins talk about sex: with enthusiasm and ignorance.

I find myself expressing this same sentiment over and over and over again. Sometimes it gets tiresome, but I have begun to realise virtually all the answers to all the questions I ever get boil down to this simple truth: it’s your life, your relationship and your business.

The moment you start doing things in your own life to conform to standards other people set, you’ve immediately given away your own power and sovereignty.

The late, great Harry Browne called this the Identity Trap, and defined it thus: “the belief that you should be someone other than yourself. You need to be true to yourself. Find out who you are; be yourself; do things your own way.

I think he was dead right.

You think a male chastity device is necessary and your partner agrees, then it is; if you don’t, then it isn’t.

You’re not running a democracy and no one else gets a vote.

Let the Chastity Taliban go fuck themselves.

Previous post:

Next post: