The Male Chastity Lifestyle and Compassion

by Sarah on May 13, 2010

You can blame Jamie for this post. Who’d ever believe the male chastity lifestyle could become so involved and interesting?

And if there’s one thing that is becoming apparent, even if we couldn’t work it out just by applying a bit of thought, it’s a hell of a lot more subtle and complex than the simplistic and infantile fantasies posted as Gospel all over the Internet.

Jamie said this in his comment:

What finally motiv­ated my com­ment were two turns of phrase in this post, both of which are among my favor­ites: ‘sev­eral miles to the left of the bell curve’ and ‘we all make the best choices we can, given what we know at the time and given the choices available to us’ — the lat­ter a piece of advice that I try to remem­ber when try­ing to be com­pas­sion­ate to people who drive me crazy in this life.”

And there is the magic word: compassion.

Compassion is often viewed with derision and suspicion, looked upon as a sign of weakness and usually the preserve of women, and tree-hugging New Age weirdos with tank-tops and sandals.

And everyone knows Real Men don’t “do” compassion… and nor do Real Keyholders, because the male chastity lifestyle is supposed to be about suffering, domination and treating your man as a second-class citizen, right?

But I think compassion is vastly underrated, and, contrary to the common wisdom, a sign of strength rather than weakness, if for no other reason than to show compassion often means confronting and mastering your emotions and acting rationally and consciously when all you want to do is scream and shout and strike out.

What’s more compassion takes courage. It takes courage to forgive those who, in religious language, have sinned against us in some way. The easiest thing in the world is to take things personally and just react, adding fuel to the burning fires of anger.

In the male chastity lifestyle, if your man doesn’t live up to your expectations, if he’s bent the rules the easiest thing is to get into a hissy-fit and promise him dire consequences – maybe a longer period of denial, maybe a harder thrashing, perhaps a quicker divorce.

But stop and think. He’s done what he’s done for a reason . Even if that reason is he just wants to provoke a reaction, it behooves you to think through the consequences of giving him the reaction he wants (clue: if his behaviour is “successful”, in that he gets the result he wants, he’ll just do it again and keep doing it).

And yet, if that prompts you to “punish” him by being uncompromisingly strict in giving him what he doesn’t want, then there’s every chance he’ll go the other way. And then you won’t be getting what you want, either. I say again: the male chastity lifestyle is a two-way street, and it’s something you do with someone rather than do to them.

For as long as we humans have had our societies we’ve punished crime and criminals with a singular lack of compassion. Yet where has it got us? We’re continually told we’ll make the world a better place by being “tough on crime”. But it’s the 21st century and we have more crime and more people in prison than at any time in the past. If being tough on crime was going to work, surely we’d have started to see some results by now?

Compassion gives us flexibility in our responses and behaviour, and that’s important if we want to get the most out of the male chastity lifestyle, as I wrote yesterday.

Oddly enough, I learned real compassion from John. I say “oddly enough” because men aren’t traditionally known for their empathy and compassion, and John, to those who don’t know him, comes across as far too tough to be compassionate. But in truth, he’s objective, compassionate and forgiving to the point where I want to punch him sometimes ;-).

And it doesn’t mean turning the other cheek, letting wrongs against you just slide by, or allowing yourself be used as a doormat. It’s no weakness or contradiction to show compassion for someone’s actions, yet be firm in insisting they make reparations for any harm they’ve done.

This is the strength of the man I love so much. And this is why being given the gift of controlling his orgasms, having the privilege of immersing myself in the male chastity lifestyle with him is such an honour and pleasure for me. It’s not my “right” or my “dues” as a “superior female”: it really is a privilege.

I pity those women who think they’re superior to men, in just the same way as I pity the men who feel inferior to women. We’re like apples and oranges, each sex with its own strengths and weaknesses, and every individual member of each sex a complex interplay of both. Men and women who accept either of these labels demean themselves.

That’s OK, because it’s a free world and no one’s going to put a gun to your head and force you to have high self-esteem. You can embrace the male chastity lifestyle any way you like.

But, remember: every “superior female” who derides her man’s “disgusting little worm” originates in part from a sperm that issued from just such a “disgusting little worm” in the throes of an orgasm she deems it unnecessary for men to be allowed to enjoy.

And since half her genes came from her father, then if men are worthless creatures worthy of ridicule and despite, then she’s already half-way there even before we begin to look at how she behaves.

There’s a lesson for all of us seeking our particular interpretation of the male chastity lifestyle, I think.

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