Should I have an affair?

by Sarah on July 2, 2011

A rather long email from a reader today, but it’s worth including and definitely worth my writing about, because it highlights a very common kind of problem in all relationships, not just those involving male chastity:

Dear Sarah,

I really like your mails with comments, experience and recommendations fruity pebbles weed. My wife and I have been inte chastity play for a couple of years now and fully agree having me locked in for a couple of weeks has improved our relation, our sex life and so on.

I have a problem though, my wife doesn’t want to have sex more than one or two times a month (normally on my initiative). I cannot stand this when not being locked in and it is of course worse when I am locked in and want to serve her every day. To me this is extremely annoying and it turns me off to such extent I might start looking for other solutions, i.e having an affair. We have diskussed this but she is just happy with the way it is. What should I do? I am in my best years (53) and without being locked in I need release 2–3 times a week. My wife is 44…

Best wishes,


First, thank you for the kind words — I’m glad what I’m doing is making a difference, however small, for people.

The first thing that struck me is at her age, she might well be in the early stages of menopause — and you don’t say how long she’s been like this. If it’s something recent, then it could be that; if so, then the chances are she’ll come out the other side. All it’s going to take is time.

But that’s just an aside.

Fact is, you both have a problem, even if only one of you is aware of it.

Because even if you’re the only one who’s unhappy with things, it means it’s not working for both of you. And a relationship that’s working for only one party is a relationship that’s not working, full stop.

As to what you should do… I can’t say. Clearly things can’t stay as they are because you seem to be very unhappy. If you haven’t conveyed this message to her clearly and assertively then I encourage you to do so.

It won’t be easy and it could indeed open up such a huge can of worms you wish you’d never said anything.

But that feeling will pass because no matter what the result, you’ll ultimately get what you want — even if that’s the extreme of ending your marriage and finding someone else.

Am I serious?

Yes. I don’t say these things lightly, but life is short, we live it only once and, in my opinion, I think it’s a terrible waste to spend your time being unhappy with someone who won’t or can’t listen and work out a compromise.

I really don’t recommend an affair, not one where you sneak around behind her back, at any rate. This isn’t a moral judgement, by any means — rather it’s a practical one.

Clandestine affairs might be fun and exciting, but they’re so, so destructive in the main.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t tell her if she refuses to play then you’ll find someone who will, because if she’s obstinate, stubborn or just plain indifferent to your needs and happiness, then that, in my opinion, is a reasonable attitude for you to have.

But doing it behind her back or without her knowledge, to me, means you lose any moral high-ground you might have. That said, it’s not a democracy, it’s your life, and no one but you gets a vote.

That said, one reader did ask me:

Surely what he really needs is being locked up for a much longer period.  Wouldn’t that focus his mind?

Just a thought.


Quite possibly.

However, while I could be wrong, I got the impression he was simply being “locked and left”, because he said:

I have a problem though, my wife doesn’t want to have sex more than one or two times a month (normally on my initiative)…”

I can see that would be terribly boring, and I can see why it’s not working for him. It’s almost like the scenario I describe at the beginning of BCWYWF, where I say if a woman sees chastity just as a really simple way to avoid sexual contact, then it’s almost certainly not going to work for either of them.

Male chastity really is NOT a panacea to fix any problem in any relationship, and it looks to me like in this case there are deeper problems that need sorting out. I don’t think chastity is going to help by itself.

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