When she should refuse to play the male chastity game with you

by Sarah on November 18, 2011

In response to my question a few days ago, I got a huge number of answers… but this one really did stand out.

Why?

Because it probably feels to E. that she’s the only woman in the world this is happening to… but I know for a fact this is far, far more common than she thinks:

I’m a woman dating a man who wants to be in chastity, and it seems fun to me but I think I’m doing it all wrong. I try to lock him up, but then he comes up with some excuse for why he can’t be locked up or why he should keep the key instead of me and then he takes it off and I don’t know what to do. He says he wants to force him to wear it, but I just don’t know how.” ~ EF

I do write about this in my free Guide but it’s not the main focus of the book, to be sure. It’s probably worthy of a newsletter article because many men will recognise their own behaviour in  it, I’m sure, and it will definitely help the women.

But, in brief, you’ve got here what’s commonly known as “topping from the bottom”.

Now, there’s nothing intrinsically or objectively wrong with this, because it all depends what your ground rules are. If your ground rules allow it, then fine; but if they don’t, then he’s being unfair and unless you do something to remedy the situation, it’s not going to get any better.

In fact, I’d predict it will just get worse and ultimately end in tears (it’s simply not fair for him to leave you thinking you’re doing it “wrong” when the blame apparently lies with him).

So the first thing you might want to do is stop the game and sit down and tell him what you’ve just told me. It’s not working for you, you feel put upon and it’s not fair.

And if he won’t toe the line — meaning he keeps making bullshit excuses why he can’t agree the rules with you and then stick with them, simply carry out the ultimate sanction: refuse to play the game at all.

I’m not suggesting you withdraw physical and emotional intimacy, because I think using those as a currency in a relationship is ultimately destructive, but you can simply refuse to play the chastity game.

Male chastity is hard work for us women, and it’s reasonable for us to expect our quid pro quo for the effort we put into it.

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