Why Male Chastity Needs Tough Love

by Sarah on May 27, 2010

I was going through my notes today for the male chastity guide when a particular question, or, more precisely, a topic jumped out at me.

It’s not so much a question I get often so much as it’s an observation – and the question is what to do about it. I’ve written about it at length in the Guide, but I wanted to post about it, too, since it’s kind of tangential to what Stephane was saying today and yesterday in his comments.

The question really centres around the typically hot‐ and cold‐blowing man who finds himself in orgasm denial and discovers it’s not quite the non‐stop uber‐fuckfest he thought it was going to be.

The two main reasons for this are: first, any hot fantasy gets blown out of all proportion in our minds (and there’s an excellent chance he’s been thinking about male chastity for a very long time, meaning he’ll have more scenarios, scenes and meticulously‐planned rituals stored in his poor head than you could ever guess at); and secondly, hitherto his wank‐fantasies about it have always culminated in an orgasm by his own hand (of all the men I’ve asked about this, every single one of them admits they orgasm when they masturbate to the fantasy of denial. Huh. Men. Typical).

The reality is they get locked, denied, teased, denied, teased denied, and so on and so forth. And it’s amazing how long even just one week of this can seem. Before, their excitement might have lasted perhaps ten minutes while you were downstairs making toast or something; now it seems to go on forever (and for some it perhaps does…).

As you can imagine men quickly discover the reality of male chastity is very different from the fantasy, and in many ways far more mundane and bothersome. Consequently, men often get grumpy and disillusioned (and we women get pissed off at their grumpiness and occasionally feel like giving them their keys back and telling them to go sort themselves out).

Newsflash, guys: most of us girls find it really hard to see you suffer. There are exceptions, but most women are hard‐wired to be empathetic, caring and nurturing. Your asking us to make you suffer and then expecting us not only to witness it but actually be instrumental in it without feeling sorry for you is not easy.

And it takes time, effort and some hard personal‐growth before we can truly embrace the fact you actually want this, even if it sometimes seems like you don’t.

As I often say: you want release, but you crave denial. In fact, I’ll go further and say with a lot of you, your release or denial isn’t the issue. What you want most of all is for us to decide without you having any say in it whatsoever.

So on one level you should just shut the fuck up and be grateful your lady is giving you what you asked for.

But male chastity is never so simple and you can’t help getting grumpy and frustrated and we can’t help feeling sorry for you.

And the problem I’ve taken so long to get round to addressing boils down to “what do I do when I feel sorry for him?”

Well, there are probably dozens of approaches, but they all come down to we either give you what you’re asking for in the moment or we steel ourselves, grit our teeth and make you wait just like you asked for.

In the early days we tend to opt for the first, although as time goes on, the second becomes easier.

And to my mind, assuming long‐term male chastity really is what he craves and he’s not just in it for the occasional play, I think the sooner you can become a hard‐nosed bitch about things, for want of a better phrase, the better.

Because most men start by “topping from the bottom” and exhibit typically male selfishness.

Male chastity is a two‐way street, and while men piss and moan that it’s all hard work for them and they’re the ones being “deprived”, what most people don’t realise is it’s hard work for us girls too.

We’re supposed to “tease and deny”, make it “interesting”, and show appreciation for them doing the nice things they supposedly want to do anyway by “serving” us.

I feel blessed with John, I have to admit. He’s shit at DIY and won’t touch the garden, but since he’s a health‐nut he does almost all the cooking, looks after me and never, ever complains about me or life in general. Very stoic. He won’t take bullshit from me, though, either.

As a result, and because John and I communicate well (oddly, I learned much of that from him), we’ve not had these problems with male chastity too much.

But if you’re having problems with resentfulness and grumpiness, but on the whole you enjoy it when it’s working, I suggest it might be worthwhile sitting down and writing down two lists: what you like and what you don’t like.

Then get him to do the same.

Then compare them and perhaps draw up some form of contract. Explain to him how you feel and, as I wrote in a post elsewhere, put your foot down and refuse to play unless he plays, too.

It’s also probably going to be worthwhile asking him why he does this, why does his behaviour revert?

Don’t start being accusatory and throwing insults — pitch it like you want it to work, but be clear that the way it is isn’t working for you (he can’t argue with that because it’s a personal feeling. If you just say, “it’s not working” he can say, “yes it is”, and you’re back to square one and probably about to have an argument).

It may be you have to play the male chastity game in cycles — Tom Allen does this I think, and I’ve noticed it with John.

He goes through periods when he’s hornier and more desirous of denial than others, simple as that.

Another thing to consider is male chastity is not a panacea for a relationship that’s not fundamentally sound and happy underneath. If you or your man have an underlying dissatisfaction with life or your marriage, then resentfulness and grumpiness are exactly what I’d expect.

It’s basic human nature for us to regress to our mean happiness levels (think about how we’re convinced that new little black dress is going to change our entire lives by making us sexier, more outgoing and fun… and it does for perhaps one or two nights out. It’s the same with men and their cars and both sexes and their latest mobile phones).

It seems we all have a “happiness thermostat” inside us and resetting it isn’t as simple as buying more stuff, doing more exciting things or whatever. Adopting a male chastity lifestyle is almost certainly not going to be any different in the long run in and of itself.

So it’s work. It can be hard work, too. Part of the problem is men and women take the stuff they read on the Internet at face value without realising it’s not only fantasy but is also pathetically simplistic. And they swallow it whole because they want it to be true.

Ultimately, remember this has to work for both of you, or it’s never going to work for either of you long term. And that often means two things: sometimes not getting everything you want, and sometimes giving what you might not always want to give.

It’s called give and take.

It may be you feel you can’t live the male chastity lifestyle unless it’s done exactly the way you want it done and bugger everyone else. You’re free to have that inflexible attitude, but my guess is it won’t serve you well if your wants and needs don’t coincide with your partner’s.

So, perhaps you might live an ultra‐strict lifestyle for six months and then take three months or six months off. No, it’s not everything you want all the time, but you’re maybe getting 100% for short bursts (and I suspect many women could make six months’ denial seem like forever).

As women having this suddenly foisted upon us, it can seem unfair and something of an imposition. But in my experience male chastity is a big, big deal in his mind. Your man might have kept quiet about it for all the years you’ve known him, but the odds are it’s been boiling away inside him for years, the desire, the craving for it almost painful in its intensity.

Yes, it can be new and scary and even a little uncomfortable, especially at the beginning. And seeing your man begging for release can wrench at your heart strings. Time to show a little tough love girls, just like you have to with kids on occasion.

Just remember, though: by not giving him what he wants in the moment, you can give him what he craves and, in many respects, actually needs for his long‐term happiness and satisfaction with life.

And if he’s happy, the chances are greater you’ll be happier, too.

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