Will She, Won't She?

by Sarah on November 14, 2010

Some interesting questions about male chastity this week – one from a man, and the other from a woman.

First the gentleman from Spain asked:

First of all apologies for my English since it is not my native language. My name is A, 40 years old, based in Barcelona, Spain. I would love my wife to control my orgasm but she does not seem to be interested. I have suggested to her not to let me cum when we have sexual intercourse, but her response is always the same, she enjoys seeing me cum. I love her a lot but it seems we are at different ends of the rope regarding this issue.”

I’d just like to point out your English is a lot better than my Spanish (and a lot better than some native English-speakers I’ve come across).

But to answer the question, which really boils down to “how can I get my wife interested in this?”, I have to say it’s a process you’re going to have to go through.

And I also have to say there’s no guarantee you’re going to be successful – because it may be she simply is never going to be interested in it. Some people aren’t. And there’s not a lot you can do to make them.

None of this is helped by many men’s attitude to this. I get the impression this doesn’t apply to you, A, but often the attitude is “how can I make/convince my wife to do this?” and the answer is “you can’t”, not in the sense there’s a foolproof argument you can put in front of her, press the button, as it were, and wait for it to work its magic.

And then in the second question a lady who claims to have “discovered” her man’s desire for male chastity after snooping through his phone (I have my doubts) asked:

…so if he’s not allowed to cum then how would we have sex? We’ve only been together 8 months and can’t keep our hands off each other, I love having sex with him, better than any of my previous partners!”

Oddly enough, I think these two questions are really two sides of the same coin: a man who can’t seem to get the point over to his wife; and a woman who can’t see what’s in it for her.

And therein lies the answer to both of them: in both cases the man has got to show his partner what she’s going to get out of it, too. To her “orgasm denial” sounds like torture and like she is also going to miss out on a very important part of lovemaking.

It all looks pretty simple, but don’t let that simplicity blind you to how important it is to get it sorted out – because for many men male chastity is far more important than a minor kink or fetish.

Is it important?

Yes, I think it is.

As I wrote in Be Careful What You Wish For:

Male chastity isn’t going to work out for some couples, never mind be a smooth ride.

Quite simply, it’s possible you’re going to find your partner just is not into the idea at all, and nothing you can say or do is going to change her mind.

To her, it’s a closed book. End of story.

Now, I’m writing this Section chiefly from the male perspective simply because it usually is men who drive male chastity and seek to introduce it into their relationships.

Obviously it could well be the other way around, too, and if it is in your case, my comments still apply.

However, be that as it may, I don’t think the problem symmetrical, if that’s the right word — I think it’s far more unreasonable of a woman to refuse flatly and absolutely to play at male chastity than it is for a man to refuse to, because when you’ve done and said all, it’s the man who suffers the most — and he just might not be into that kind of suffering and denial.

To put this in perspective, if a man was going around insisting his wife wore a chastity belt and she didn’t want to, then he’d be thoroughly lambasted and made a social pariah. Feminists across the land would want his balls for a necklace.

Well, it’s horses for courses, I’m afraid.

Fortunately, this is going to be very rare, I think. It’s almost always the man who has the desire for male chastity in the beginning, and even when it’s not, I think most women could be pretty persuasive with their men if they are willing to reward him with some hot and kinky sex.

So, let’s assume the most common and likely case: you’re a man, you’ve introduced the idea, perhaps even started to play just to see what it’s like and you come up against a dead flat “no”.

What do you do?

Sadly, as is so often the case, I don’t have The Answer; in fact, I think The Answer (as is also so often the case) is an illusion.

We have choices, that’s all.

Male chastity is just one of them. And every choice we make has consequences, and everything comes with a price.

One of the consequences, and really part of the price, too, is by choosing one thing, we often exclude all others.

If you choose to take a long weekend fishing in the mountains, you can’t then spend the same weekend surfing on the beach.

Despite what the success “gurus” tell us, we can’t have it all. This is both heartwarming and scary.

It’s heartwarming because it means we can have pretty much anything we want so long as we’re prepared to pay the price for having it; it’s scary because the price can be very, very high.

The fact is, no matter how you skirt around, hint at, and build up to the subject, at some point you have to open the can of worms and confess your desire for male chastity, whatever extreme or flavour you wish for, and there’s an outside chance she’s going to freak or at least refuse to countenance even the idea of it.

Question is, what then?

It’s almost like an immovable object and an irresistible force.

For some men it might be a passing fancy, a whim, and no big deal.

But for many — perhaps most — it’s far, far more than that.

From how John describes it, the only way I can put it into terms I’m familiar with as a woman is it’s like that burning desire, that inescapable need to have a baby (again, if you’ve felt it, you’ll know what I mean; if you haven’t, it’s impossible to explain).

But because we don’t feel that same urge for male chastity, it’s easy for us to discount it, to dismiss it as unimportant.

And the easy way to do that is to heap scorn upon it, brand it as “dirty”, “perverted” and “strange”.

Yes, if we do that, he’ll drop the subject and skulk away to his cave, and we’ll think we’ve “won”.

But we haven’t. It won’t go away.

It. Will. Not. Go. Away.

He won’t stop wanting it and he will start to resent you for your cold heartedness and your seemingly uncaring attitude.”

It’s important both partners realise it’s NOT going to go away and be forgotten. If a relationship is worth preserving, I think it’s worth a man and a woman putting in almost any effort to get it handled properly (and it always always always comes down to communication in the end).

It never goes smoothly all the time, I’m sure.

For me and John we’ve had problems with devices, work getting in the way, the early hiccoughs when I really wasn’t sure what it was all about, yadda, yadda, yadda.

But we persevered, and persevere still — which is why John’s new Lori #12C is being made up and when it comes, in a few weeks, he’ll be out of the Tollyboy and into that – and if the timing’s right we’re going to start a whole year’s orgasm denial (again!) from January 1st.

But that’s a whole ‘nuther story, as they say.

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